July
Oh bums! No sooner had last month’s column – the one on travel-sized products – gone to press than a padded envelope of loveliness arrived, bearing Little Gems, the range of mini-size hair cosmetics from hairdresser Mark Hill. As I hadn’t cover mini-haircare, these would have been perfect! Hair-care on a mini-break is vital and although most hotels supply shampoo, I always suspect it’s just washing-up liquid. (Is that very paranoid of me?) The thing is, that even if it’s perfectly acceptable shampoo, it’s no match for my hair. My hair has special needs. It’s frizzy. It’s coloured. It’s heat-damaged. And these adorable Mark Hill travel-friendlies addresses them all! A weeny little De Frizz range (including important extras, Shine Serum and Texturising Polish.) A miniscule Heat Protection trio, (with protecty spray), a barely-there Colour Care duo and an Ultimate Shine duo, so tiny it’s almost invisible. For such small products, the standard is very high. I wish I could have told you about them, but alas, it’s too late and you will never know. (If by some mad fluke, you were ever to find out about them, they’re available from Boots.)
Right then! This months column! Nothing to do with mini-anything. Oh no. This month is about Giving Back; we’re going to focus on the neglected, the marginalised, the downright invisible. We’ll be giving a voice to those who have none and shining a light on those who are habitually ignored. Starting with – yes – noses. I mean, who gives a damn about their nose? Be honest. It’s the small lines around your eyes that you really care about. And who gets the lions share of the moisturiser? Yes, the cheeks and the forehead. It it’s very lucky, the nose might be thrown a few left-over scraps from the groaning table of the rest of the face, but as something to be taken care of in its own right? No. Non. Nyet. I found this out to my cost on a recent book tour in Australia. I put sun block on my face. At least I thought I did. It was only when my nose went the colour of an internal organ - it actually appeared to be pulsing - that I realised I’d missed it. Oh the ugliness! It took a week to ‘go down.’
The lesson I learned: the nose sticks out further than the rest of the face, it needs PLENTY of sun protection. And then what arrived from Clinique, only UV-Response Face Cream SPF50! Yes, 50. Too high? Not at all! Although I wear SPF32 on my holiers, I’ve begun to worry that it’s not high enough. It’s as if Clinique read my mind. (Interestingly enough I’ve just received a SPF40 from Clarins. Higher SPFs are obviously the way of the future.) The Clinique cream is BRILLIANT – lovely creamy texture, non-allergenic, all skin-types can wear it and it’s even been ophthalmologistically tested - in other words, if it gets into your eyes, you won’t have to run around, a hand clapped to your eyes, shrieking, “A towel! Quick a towel, I’m going blind here!”
So remember now - Mind that nose!
Moving on, this time to hands. Does anyone give a damn about hands? No. And why? Because they’re just not exciting enough. If the body were Europe, then the hands are Belgium; hardworking but dull. Have you ever heard of a famous hand? Apart from Hercule Poirot, that is.
Wait… hold on… Sorry… mixing my metaphors… got a bit confused.
Where were we? Right, hands! Poor bastards, in and out of water all day long, bending, flexing, toiling, holding, typing. And what do we do for them? Nothing (if you’re me.) Perhaps the odd coat of pink nail varnish – which is like giving a small can of caviar to a starving family of ten. They need basic, on-going, regular nourishment, not a one-off taste of luxury. In other words, a bit of hand-cream once in a while. No need for exfoliation or masks or serums – god knows they’re not asking for much. Which is where Bobbi Brown comes in. Her Conditioning Hand and Cuticle Balm is THE BUSINESS, it gives really intense hydration, yet isn’t at all greasy so you can turn door knobs and shake hands with people immediately after use. And it smells gorgeous – sweet almond oil and pure orange oil. It’s so effective, you can even use it on your feet.
Speaking of feet, if you’d never seen a pair before, you’d get a terrible fright. They’re the oddest looking things. (Hands too. They look like our arms have started fraying.) I have such terrible feet that sometimes I won’t go to yoga because I’m afraid of horrifying the person behind me when I go into child’s pose and reveal the cracked yellow leather on the soles of my feet. This is a job for Origins! Sole Searcher (cream containing finely ground lava rock) scrubs the living bejayzus out of my arid feet – it’s miraculous - then Reinventing the Heel provides mega-moisture. Origins also do Step Lively, an energising foot cream, which travels across the reflex points in your feet and channels energy throughout your body. I haven’t tried it, but does it not sound amazing?
Next on the list of neglected areas is (are?) knockers. Breasts, if you prefer. Let’s be realistic – in the words of Bruce Springsteen, ‘Everything dies, baby, everything dies.’ (His marriage was breaking up at the time, he was v glum.) But in a way he was right - everything is ultimately heading south and breasts have a hard time because they have no supportive tissue of their own. So is there any point to bust-firming cream at all? Actually yes! Shiseido have utilised Japanese technology (as I often say, hard to believe the same nation gave us the Nissan Micra) to bring us Aromatic Bust Firming Complex. It’s got a natural firming agent made from soybeans, a ‘veil forming polymer’ and sea algae and I could swear it makes the whole area appear jauntier. Of course, the sheer act of rubbing the cream in helps by increasing circulation and making everything look perkier. You could even do that upwards-motion slappy thing that French women do. (If you were on your own on a bank holiday and at your wits end.)
Now then, the upper lip. Yes. What have you done for it lately? Nothing, I’ll wager. But I’d noticed the beginning of Dot-Cotton-style lines radiating from my upper lip, as if I’d spent the last 89 years sucking at 40 fags a day - and then I got Stiff Upper Lip from Bliss. It swears to ‘renovate’ verticle wrinkles, increase lip volume and – most interesting of all - to ‘slow down hair growth.’ How do they know that I’ve been worried I’m getting a ronnie? I didn’t even know myself until recently. Then I did a little survey and it transpires many women fear they’re turning into Stalin. A mystery friend (she insisted on anonymity) even dehairs her ronnie (immac, not shaving.) Ronnie-Fear is more widespread than I’d initially realised and this is a timely product. Haven’t had time to test it yet, but if it’s anything like their other skincare, it’s bloody marvellous. (Their Sleeping Peel is utterly magnificent.)
Next, ears! Major new reseach shows that as we age, ears become ‘unmoored’ from the head, pulling down the rest of face with their weight. A new patent-pending serum has just come on-stream, which has the action of mimicking a hoist, giving ears a ‘leg-up…’ Oh no, wait… Sorry… I just made all that up. Sorry. Sorry, I didn’t mean to alarm you, I’m not sure what happened there. No, your ears are grand, don’t worry about them.
PS Stop Press! News just in from Origins! They’re doing a collaboration with Dr Andrew Weil, famous and highly in demand (he’s always on Oprah) US doctor and botanist, who develops, practices and teaches the principles of integrative health. Obviously, he’s completely in tune with Origin’s core principles – utilising the power of plants as they relate to wellness inside and out - and the first products of their combined expertise - Mega-Mushroom Face Serum and Mega-Mushroom Face Cream – promise to be very special..